Week 2 Report

This week has been a week of successes. The first success came when I had a  bad day at work to the point I got upset on the way home but rather than eat my troubles away like I usually do I hashed them out with myself in the car on the way home. The biggest thing I’ve learnt over the last year or so on this search for happiness, health and weight loss  is that when I am upset or angry or some sort of emotional event has happened I need to acknowledge the emotion. I have buried emotions for too long but now I try to identify the specific emotions I am feeling, identify the specific reason for each one, sit with the emotion for a little while and just feel it and then come up with a way to move forward. All a bit ‘weird’ but my god it has really worked in terms of my emotional eating. I’m not sure where I read about this technique but whoever it was I send you a massive thanks!

The second success was again another really really bad day at work and I came home feeling crap. My technique above helped but just didn’t cut it so I was still really uptight when I got home and wanted to eat the contents of the fridge. I was also knackered and had been working my backside off so to ‘deal’ with it I accepted that I felt crappy, accepted that I was knackered, accepted that my usual techniques weren’t working and with this in my head I ‘pigged out’ on an options hot chocolate, a packet of quavers and a couple of squares of dark chocolate. Obviously from a calorie point of view this wasn’t a ‘pig out’ but it felt enough of one to do the trick. I also gave myself a couple of nights off school work.

The final success came on Thursday night after coming home from work. I still had lots of school work to do and I was starving. I voiced to my boyfriend that I just wanted to eat something crap and not have a healthy tea as I couldn’t be bothered cooking it; take away pizza was what I had in mind! However, I told myself off, got my arse in gear and just got on with it and made a delicious spaghetti bolognaise packed full of veg.

Another minor success has been going slightly over my calories for one day but not throwing in the towel and just adjusting my calories slightly on other days meaning I finish the week under my weekly calories. Oh and some more gorgeous pancakes (right) this time with some stewed fruit and yoghurt. Yum!

The biggest success of the week…….a 2lb weightloss!

Week 1 Report

Summary:

Weight loss 10/10 – with a 3lb loss 🙂

Eating 8/10 – generally stuck to my calories, eaten tons of fruit and veg and still enjoyed some treats within my calories, oh and back to drinking more water

Exercise 0/10 – Basically I haven’t done any and I haven’t made any effort to increase my daily activity in any way

Positivity 6/10 – I have managed to nip some negative thoughts in the bud but much more room for improvement here

Work Productivity – 6/10 – I got quite a few jobs done but this could still be improved!

The negatives this week – some arguing with the boyfriend but the positive spin is that it meant we tackled some issues . Eating not perfect but the positive being that I have dealt with some higher calories by cutting or substituting elsewhere which is a long term realistic way of eating. No exercise or increase in general daily activity and I have no way to turn this into a positive! I have been kicked out of my room at work while it is painted for a couple of weeks but the positive is that I am going to have a lovely newly painted room and it gives me an ideal opportunity to re-jig my table layout and seating plans when I get back in.

The positives this week – 3lb weight loss some lovely food eaten, I’ve still had treats, I weirdly have enjoyed work this week, we bought a new kitchen (exciting!), I have discovered a couple of new bands I love, I had a reasonably productive and organised this week at work, I have been more positive, I have laughed a lot, I have really helped the new guy at work, I’ve put out my new bird feeder I got off my mum for Christmas (left) and I made a gorgeous home made pizza for tea last night and (reasonably) healthy pancakes for breakfast this morning (see right)

Here’s to week 2!

The Eve of the Nightmare!

Actually scratch that title. I need to be more positive and that will only come with hard work and concious thought. Lets rename it to ‘The Eve of Change’. Much more positive!

Lets get the obvious out of the way. Yes I haven’t posted for 2 months. Yes predictably I am posting as the new year turns along with every other lapsed blogger of the world. Yes I am going to be posting about losing weight and how this year is going to be different, again along with every other lapsed blogger in the world. There,, we’ve tackled the elephant in the room and you can all smile smugly and think the ‘I’ll give it a month’ thoughts. ‘A month!’ I hear you remark. ‘I was thinking more a week!’. Yes, I know, I have previous with this whole bandwagon! But this year will be different(!)

The reason for the original title is due to the fact that I am back in work tomorrow and it is also day 1 of the weightloss campaign. I am not dressing this up as anything other than weightloss. I have 5 and a half stone to lose and yes whilst I would ove to do the whole ‘its a lifestyle change’ etc etc and yes whilst it needs to be if I am to keep the weight off, frankly for the time being this is simply all about a 5 and a half stone weightloss. My brain loves a fresh start so new year is the perfect time for this. In fact that gets me thinking. Maybe a cycle of a school half term on diet (varies around 6-8 weeks) with a week off and then on of my brains beloved fresh starts when I go back to school. This could work. Ok I would potentially be sacrificing around 6-8 weeks of potential weightloss but if it keeps me on the straight and narrow in between then in the longer term this would pay off. Hmmmmm, might give that one a go.

I have two simple resolutions this year. By this time next year I want to be at least 5 stone lighter and I want to be happy in my job, whatever that job may be. Be it teaching or something completely different but overall happy doing it. I have other things that I’m toying with for the new year; giving up facebook, reducing TV, starting running, but these are things I am literally just toying with for the moment, no commitment as of yet.

I will keep you updated!

It Was All Going So Well……..

….and then it all went down hill. Pretty much from Monday evening to be exact. I had a reasonably healthy tea and every intention of doing lots of focused schoolwork but I just couldn’t muster up the energy or enthusiasm to do the work. So then I got bored, my boyfriend was working nights so I got lonely and what is my usual way to combat these things? Eat! So I did.
I then allowed this no work/eating frenzy to continue on for the rest of the week. Highlights include a whole pizza to my self on tuesday (shop bought so not quite as bad as take out, but still, a whole frickin pizza!) Topped off with four big tripple chocolate cookies and McDonalds on Wednesday. Friday my boyfriend had driven to southhampton and back in a day so by the time he got home and we had been shopping we were both knackered and hungry so takeaway pizza, garlic bread and chips it was. The only redeeming thing on Friday was that I actually came home and did some work for the first time that week whilst I waited for him to get home.
Weekend involved an 8 hour round drive to Gloucestershire with my boyfriend for him to do a monster truck driving experience day. Which was amazing by the way, I now want a monster truck. If I carry on eating like this I’m going to need one to tow me around! Anyway, 8 hours on the road resulted in McDonald’s breakfast, two chocolate bars and KFC for tea.
As you can imagine I haven’t weighed myself this week. Sometimes after a crap week it helps if I weigh myself to shock me back to reality. The shame, disappointment and annoyance I am feeling typing this now is enough to make me realise the chaos of this week and also enough self punishment. If I beat myself up anymore by weighing and logging a backwards step then I risk throwing myself completely off the wagon. As it is, last week I was dangling by one arm off the back of the wagon with my feet bumping along the road but today I feel like I’ve managed to get a grip with the other arm too and pull my legs up. Tomorrow I haul myself comfortably back on it. Failure is not an option, blips will happen. I WILL DO THIS.

Update

Firstly, weigh in the damage is that I’ve put on 5lbs taking me back to 207lb. Not good!
Progress on all other fronts are (in a score card style homage to my back to school status):

– eating: 7/10 – I ate 7 portions of fruit and veg, drank my water quota, didn’t eat any crap most of the day but didn’t manage to avoid the mini pork pies, quiche and minature cakes (I ate 4 ooopss) at the lunch Buffett.
– exercise: 0/10 – 😦  didn’t make it onto the crosstrainer. I probably won’t make it on tomorrow or Wednesday either as I have meetings after school. Maybe I was a bit ambitious thinking I could manage this one in my first week back.
– finish school by 4pm: 3/10 – I got home for 5.30pm
– stop school work before 8pm: 2/10 – I stopped at 9.30pm
– Not letting work stress me out: 6/10 – the trick is that when I feel myself thinking about it and stressing I just stop thinking about it by stopping the internal, stressy conversations I have with myself.
– Not doing schoolwork in front of the tv and doing it at the kitchen table instead: 10/10 – I missed all my usual soaps though 😦 I missed them but I don’t feel like my life is over or empty without them though so this will get easier I think.
-taking off my make up before bed: 10/10 🙂

I’M BACK DOING THIS!

Sleeping like a baby: hopefully 10/10 – knackered!

Nighty night!

A New Old Plan v278.3

I’ve been crap on all accounts. I have eaten nothing but crap and too much of it. I have done far too much sitting on my arse watching TV. I have done some but not nearly enough of the work or jobs I had written about in the last post or tracked any calories. I have spent the last three weeks making myself empty promises about how I will get out of bed at 7.30, how I will start schoolwork before 9 o’clock and how I will work solidly all day without the TV on. I am still feeling completely overwhelmed, stressed and dreading going back to work.

To be honest I can’t be bothered to even write this because its the same old drivel that I keep writing, going round and round in circles affirming myself to the same old thing and then not actually doing it. I’m hoping that the more times you do something the more likely it is to work or be right?? Even Einstein didn’t finalise his maths on the theory of relativity on the first go now did he! So for what its worth here I am doing it again!

Whilst the thought of going back to work on Monday is terrifying me in diet terms it’s a good thing as the routine helps to keep me on track. So on that basis the plan is:

• Weigh myself tomorrow morning to assess the damage of the last few weeks and face up to the fact that I have probably put all my weight back on.
• Plan meals a week in advance and track calories on myfitness pal
• Come home from work as soon as work finishes to do my schoolwork instead of staying there and getting fed up because I feel like its all I do
• Get on the cross trainer for 20 minutes as soon as I get home with a minimum of 3 cross trainer sessions a week
• Do schoolwork at the kitchen table so I’m not distracted by TV and  DO NOT OPEN FACEBOOK therefore I don’t end up procrastinating
• Prioritise schoolwork and don’t work past 9 o’clock. Only open Facebook/watch TV once all my work is done or I hit the 9 o’clock curfew.

A simple plan which no doubt will fall at the first hurdle (namely going back to work!) but we can only try.

I am also going to try my absolute best to stop this negative smack talk conversation that I constantly have going on in my head. Maybe I can fool mydelf into thinking this diet, exercise and schoolwork lark is actually quite enjoyable!

I’M HOPING I CAN DO THIS!

Fresh Start Number 273…..Or Round About That

They say honesty is the best policy. So I’m going to be honest. Firstly I have put on 4lbs. Crap. But thats not what I’m being honest about. Before I went on holiday I lost 6lbs in around 4 weeks including a week with a slight weight gain. I was over the moon with this especially as I had done it literally just by counting calories and drinking lots of water. The week before I went on holiday however my brain went a bit wrong. I don’t know if it was finishing school for the holidays that triggered it or the prospect of going on holiday; being in a bikini, spending 24hrs with my boyfriend and all that goes with it. Or was it simply just losing weight? Anyway, whatever it was it happened. I started to skip meals intentionally, ignoring strong hunger pains and rejoicing in being dizzy and light headed. The one meal a day I did eat when my boyfriend was home I cut the portion massively and it became mainly vegetables. I lost a couple more pounds and then I went on holiday where I went back to normal eating. I then cam back off holiday and began to skip meals again but this time I was struggling with it and usually ended up binging massively around 3 in the afternoon. I then got really down and depressed. I call it my dark cloud descending as thats what it feels like, like when you’re up some mountains within the cloud and you can’t see your hand in front of your face. It feels like you’re trapped in a bubble of thick syrup that makes everything really difficult to do. So I kept persisting with trying to keep up the starvation and then failing, then getting more down………

Let me tell you a bit of my history. When I was 14, nearly 15 I had some family crap going on which lead to me moving out of the house I lived in with my mum and step dad and into my old childhood home with my grandma. My choice and to this day I don’t regret it. When it happened though I was left feeling quite rejected by my mum as the reasons for moving out were the poor relationship I had with my step dad, so I felt like my mum had chosen him over me. At my grandma’s I was quite independent as there was only the two of us and she used to work shifts during the day and night. So I basically stopped eating. In the tail end of the time I spent at my mum and step dads I had already started throwing my lunch in the bin but now at my grandma’s I could not eat for days and get away with it as she wasn’t there. I would dirty plates or claim I’d eaten earlier, I started going out running and doing exercises in my bedroom. And I lost weight. At my lowest I got to 7st 7lbs. Not emaciated by any stretch of the imagination but very slim, especially for me.

People noticed my weightloss, I liked it and carried on the regime. I started smoking and drinking a lot, going to the pub 3-5 times a week at 17 and drinking myself stupid. To be honest if it wasn’t for the alcohol I think I probably would have lost so much that my family would have sought medical attention. As it happened, I hid it extremely well and as I said, the alcohol prevented me slipping too far down the slippery slope. I did however start to get ill all the time; sore throats, colds, coughs, stomach upsets, one after the other to the point I was just ill most of the time. I was also really tired and would literally have just enough energy to go to college, work and see to my horse then come home and sleep. Any time I wasn’t doing those things I was sleeping. My grandma started to notice and commented on my diet. This scared me as it was never my intention for people to notice what I was doing, I worked hard at keeping it under cover. After that I struggled to keep it hidden as my grandma kept an eye on my a little more. That was when I started making myslef sick. I tried laxatives too but they didn’t really do anything for me other than make me feel very bloated. I put some weight on which I couldn’t cope with, I was so so so very unhappy and depressed I started to cut myself. Again nothing deep, just enough to cause scabs that I would then pick and pick to the extent that I have been left with a few scars from it. In the end I met a boy, in hindsight not a good one in the long run, but at the time the relationship helped me. I started eating again, I stopped the exercise and i piled on the weight.

The eating issue went to the other extreme but my brain stayed the same and even to this day my brain still craves for that state of mental ‘strength’ to starve myself. The logical part of my brain knows this is not right and doesn’t want to be like that but the illogical part wants to go back to being like that. I suppose that part of my brain is probably ill to a certain extent and I know in my own mind that I would probably benefit from some sort of counselling to sort it out but I can’t afford that at the moment.

To the present moment. The starving isn’t working because I just end up binging. Frankly I don’t really want to do the whole starving thing as I know its unhealthy and not normal. So where does it leave me. Ive been shopping today so the house is full of good wholesome food minus the crappy food I was binging on. I’m going to go back to the start and track my calories again on myfitnesspal and up my water intake again. This worked last time as far as weightloss is concerned and most importanty it doesn’t involve starving or binging.

I WILL DO THIS!

Warning! Lots of Photo’s Coming Up!

A beautiful church adorned with flowers as part of a
religious festival that had happened
before we got there.

A breathtaking coastline view from near the top of the cliffs

Helloooooo! Well it’s been a while and what a good few weeks it has been! 207 photo’s were taken on our holiday to Madeira. Here are just a few of the selection of amazing views and scenery on this beautiful island. Wonderful people, amazing food and a superb holiday. We went on three different tours around the island to try to take in some of the beautiful sights and views and discover some more about the culture and history of this amazing place.

Madeira is basically an inactive volcano in the sea therefore there were A LOT of hills to climb. The combination of this, lots of walking in general and not as much eating as I normally do on holiday resulted in something I have never had happen on holiday. I maintained my weight! Brilliant! I do think I had actually lost weight on holiday but I didn’t weigh myself as soon as I got back therefore Ive had another week of not so great eating on top of that so when I finally got round to weighing myself I showed a maintenance. Happy days! I will weigh in officially on sunday to assess the damage of my week back home after our holiday.

Another stunning coastline view

The view from our hotel room each morning

Another beautiful view at the top of the mountains.
Above the level of the cloud.

Amazing view from the top of mountains over the valley

One of the places used in the TV series

After our amazing week away we came back and had one day at home and then went off on a day trip to a place in the Yorkshire called Goathland. This is where they filmed one of my favourite TV shows so I was a little bit excited!

Three A4 locomotives including the famous Mallard

The next day we were off again. This time to York. This is somewhere that I have wanted to visit for a long time and I wasn’t disappointed by this beautiful city. It was however very expensive to park anywhere!

We stayed overnight in a lovely bed and breakfast hotel just near the abbey gardens and up from the river. We visited the railway museum and the castle museum which I loved as they have a victorian street set up. I’m really interested in social history so this was ace!

All in all it has been a brilliant couple of weeks. Absolutely knackering, but brill! Seen as though I am in a situation where I have maintained my weight that I lost I am quite positive to get back on track for the next three weeks before I go back to school and hop back on the relentless work/stress hamster wheel! I would love to be under 200lbs before I go back to work. Ideally I would like to have lost a stone in total for my birthday on the 19th September. Then I have three months to try and lose another two stone before new year. That will leave me with only two stone to lose next year for me to reach my target.

I WILL DO THIS!

Phew!!

I finally braved the scales. I was pleasantly surprised at what I saw. A 2lb gain was all, much less than my bloated belly and slightly tighter jeans suggested I had gained. It just goes to show/prove what I thought about my dodgy digestive system. I bloat very very easily, this just confirms it. After a few days on track with food I have also dropped the 2lb’s which also goes to show that despite my massive fluid intake over the last few weeks, when I eat badly I retain water like a camel. So, back to where I was and ready for a week of good eating before I jet of on my holiday. I’m also on school holidays now so I am planning trying to move more as opposed to sleeping in and sitting on my bum! I have plans to clean the house thoroughly form top to bottom, do some gardening, visit friends, go on some weekend day trips with the boyfriend, get my mountain of schoolwork completed!

This weeks plans are:

Monday – Cleaning

Tuesday – Cleaning

Wednesday – Shopping for holiday clothes

Thursday – Maybe some more cleaning or some schoolwork

Friday – Some more schoolwork or some gardening

Saturday – helping out a friend with a wedding event

Sunday – Packing for holiday!

Then one week in madeira it is for some walking, culture, poolside reading and cuisine! What would be amazing is if I could dip below the 200lb mark before heading off on holiday but I’m not gettign too hung up on this.

I’M BACK DOING THIS AND I WILL DO THIS!

Oh I also forgot to say, I randomly and impulsively bought a dress (see right) last night that I saw, they only go up to a size 16 but I thought bugger it, it was too gorgeous to not buy. I suppose its an incentive! Its from Yumi (http://www.yumidirect.co.uk) and I love it! I love all the clothes from this clothing brand but they only tend to have sizes up to a 16 and in some outfits they only go to a 12 or 14. This though along with Lipsy are my two places I use for inspiration to keep me on the wagon!

Week 3 Weigh In

Wooohoooooo down another 3lbs taking me to 200.8lb and a half stone loss overall. That means I’m a tenth of the way there! Soooo happy. Oh and I had a lovely Italian meal last night with the man. Today is a good day. I WILL DO THIS! I AM DOING THIS!